Please trust me when i say "i love u"

roar roar roar roar roarrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

sigh...i realised tt i can nv get "away from it all" much as i would like to. the same prob will just keep haunting me till i silence it once and for all. i would like to be a good girl and promise u everything and make u happy and stay happy the way i am but i can nv fully be 'free' if i dun face it. i'm caught in the middle now. i cant forget and chuck the past aside when it comes to find me but shldnt we heck the past when the future's much better and much more promising and much more deserving? i dunno wad i'm blabbering abt le. i just want everything to be as it were. i wanna be truly happy. i dun wanna have any skeletons in my closet. the escapist in me alwiz chooses to run/hide/pretend nth's wrong when trouble arises. *screams to self: coward!* time to face the monsters i hide from but it's exam timeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...bad things alwiz happen when i'm mugging last minute...why-oh-why...........!

i need to last for one more week before i can breakdown and wad not. i cant take it. dun bug me dun bug me dun bug me dun bug me dun bug me dun bug me dun bug me dun bug meeeeeeee!

p/s erjie....happy birthday to u!

but bao bei pls trust me when i say 'i love u'...i wun be shaken by anything he says if tt's wad u're worried abt. pls dun be disappointed with me. sometimes disappointment deals a bigger blow than anger. i'm so sad yet i cant turn to u cos u're upset with me. "what if the person tt can stop ur tears from falling is the one tt made u cry?" and den wad if the reason u're crying is not his fault...roarr...... *sigh*

the viscious cycle of paranoia

1. first u say sth
2. u regret wad u said but u're still waiting for the person to reply...(at this pt in time..u're worried out of u're mind, u dunno wad to think, time passes by in slow-mo)
3. person replies u...2 outcomes...a) u misinterepreted the msg and paranoia sets in and u repeat step 1... or b) person says sth hurtful in response to ur dumb statement and paranoia sets in as well...step 1 onwards could be repeated too...
4. escalation into a quarrel.....

all i can say is..think think think before u say sth.....

so upset with myself..it's the "great, i've done it again' feeling..it's a v sour feeling somehow..dun really understd the mechanics of it all but just feel tt sometimes..i can be such a bitch..sigh..*kicking myself* it's time for a "why-oh-why....."

i'm sorry for spoiling today.i just realised tt my lack of vocab just lets me hover ard the word sorry..and thus i repeat it multiple times which makes it sound insincere...(sorry for rambling on...i'm just feeling the paranoia) sorry sorry sorry wad else can i say? i apologise? i .....? sigh..sometimes words are not able to put thru wad i really feel. but i'm such a scardey cat...i clam up when i'm upset.. some reasons to tt: i'm scared i say the wrongs words, i'm afraid i burst into tears once i open my mouth, i dun like periods of silent awkwardness in the conversation......well the list goes on but those are just a few i can come up with..

i dunno why i keep on typing this entry though i've not much to say...maybe i'm just trying to get rid of those butterflies-in-my-stomach-feeling...hmm...come to think of it..i feel so nervous i feel the way i feel whenever i'm abt to sit for an exam...

shall really truly end here if not i can just go on and on..and like wad the eng compo teachers always say, the more u write the more mistakes u'll make..so here goes nth..dun condemn me for this..

for this i pray

today wad pastor mark said at the pulpit made me take note..made a mental note to self and den i'm gonna blog abt it..a short one i promise...!

dear lord..

i wanna love him more..i wanna not be selfish and alwiz talk abt me me me or do all the silly things and throw tantrums and make him give in to me..jesus, i really treasure him and i really want this to work out right..lord u said u'll grant us our hearts desire and this i desire..lord help me love him more..help our relationship be fun and exciting and full of love..teach me how to show love and how to recieve love..let me not hold back and lord, thanks for the revelation..

love ya,
ur beloved---->me!

for crying out loud...!

dumb girl....hahahahah....i was trying to make a new post cos i rmb i forgot to add in sth..hahaha... den i realised to my amazement i have like 4 of the same blog titles...upon a quick investigation.............................

i realised....

dreamalildreamofme.blogspot.com

noaddressesleft.blogspot.com

newpageofmylife.blogspot.com

they are all available..due to the laggin blogspot thingie at this time..i dunno why but i didnt realise or sense it!!! hahahaha..dun worry...i wun 一错再错..i have since deleted them..hahahah...crappy me...

*smack my forehead*

Finally

finally got a new bloggy addy...just wanted to start anew..miss my old blog..which allowed private blog entries..sighh..

dunno wad's my prob..but i've basically been blocking ppl on my msn..blocking and unblocking and blocking again...crazy me..just refused to talk to ppl..dunno why too..maybe tt's why this is named 'away from it all'..

i miss dajie, erjie and dage...i'm so sorry i blocked u guys too..was just not ready to face the world as yet..

i feel like i've been burdened these past semester...many sch things have kept me busy.. not just that..many of my relationships with ppl have gone awry..gg nuts..so dun like the way things turn out..yet i still have no courage to turn it ard..

supposed to study for my upcoming exams..but i just cant seem to conc..yuan's gonna say i'm not guai again..haiz..i just dunno how to concentrate.......... roar.....

aiyoh...i wanna complain abt sth...the blog address is so hard to get nowadays..i tried a gazillion addys...from noaddressesleft.blogspot.com to lifeasyet.blogspot to newcahpterofmylife.blogspot... tell u ah...getting new blog addresses can drain ur brain and make sure u have good vocab before u try... =)

anyway to update loved ones....

1) i've passed my driving test finally...so i can drive..but i've no car that is...do u trust me enough.........? *gives the big eyed look and tries to look confident*

2) i've got a guy who loves me tons and whom i love too...hee...dajie..when's ur turn coming? dage too....(p/s if u wanna noe abt him..just ask me directly k? =) ) <-----double-chin smiley...dajie remember....?

3) i'll be working this hols...selling liqour at changi DFS..pray i meet all the nice ppl who buy tons of booze...

4)my exams end on the 4nov...so i'll be free henceforth....ohana meeting!!!!

hmm....actually i think i'll only let dj, ej, dg and my zhu noe abt this blog la..dun wanna be keeping any pretences..havent felt this free blogging for so long liao...

release at last?