the viscious cycle of paranoia

1. first u say sth
2. u regret wad u said but u're still waiting for the person to reply...(at this pt in time..u're worried out of u're mind, u dunno wad to think, time passes by in slow-mo)
3. person replies u...2 outcomes...a) u misinterepreted the msg and paranoia sets in and u repeat step 1... or b) person says sth hurtful in response to ur dumb statement and paranoia sets in as well...step 1 onwards could be repeated too...
4. escalation into a quarrel.....

all i can say is..think think think before u say sth.....

so upset with myself..it's the "great, i've done it again' feeling..it's a v sour feeling somehow..dun really understd the mechanics of it all but just feel tt sometimes..i can be such a bitch..sigh..*kicking myself* it's time for a "why-oh-why....."

i'm sorry for spoiling today.i just realised tt my lack of vocab just lets me hover ard the word sorry..and thus i repeat it multiple times which makes it sound insincere...(sorry for rambling on...i'm just feeling the paranoia) sorry sorry sorry wad else can i say? i apologise? i .....? sigh..sometimes words are not able to put thru wad i really feel. but i'm such a scardey cat...i clam up when i'm upset.. some reasons to tt: i'm scared i say the wrongs words, i'm afraid i burst into tears once i open my mouth, i dun like periods of silent awkwardness in the conversation......well the list goes on but those are just a few i can come up with..

i dunno why i keep on typing this entry though i've not much to say...maybe i'm just trying to get rid of those butterflies-in-my-stomach-feeling...hmm...come to think of it..i feel so nervous i feel the way i feel whenever i'm abt to sit for an exam...

shall really truly end here if not i can just go on and on..and like wad the eng compo teachers always say, the more u write the more mistakes u'll make..so here goes nth..dun condemn me for this..