overprotected

this issue has been revolving ard my life for like..all my childhood all my life..i hate it! i dont see their reason..if ur reason was u're worried abt me..den ur reason would have been valid till i turned 18..if ur reason was tt u have nth to do after 11pm..den ur reason is really lame..there's so many things u can do and they dont have to be bad..if ur reason was like i go out too many times..den ur reason is starting to piss me off..i only go out on weekends these days..who are u to say i go out too many times? the most i go out is twice a wk..i hate u... there..u have no more reasons..if u loved me..would u subject me to such torturous nites where i have to part with my frens just to stick to my pathetically secondary schoolish curfew?if u loved me..why dont u trust me? if u loved me..why stop me from having fun?if u loved me...well..i dont love u anymore k?i'm grown up..i've grown up..and i hate these restrictions..i hate all these..all the times u say 'no' just makes me hate u more..i didnt wanna use the word hate cos i dun want it to be that definite..i dun hate u..i just dislike wad u're doing to me. but i feel enough to say i hate u now.of all the tons of frens i have..i happen to be the only one with a curfew..if ur lame shit excuse for me to have a curfew is tt..i dunno how lucky i am as compared to u when u were schooling...c'mon..times change..ur time was boring..my time is fun..don't stop me from having fun..i am only young once..just like u once were. if u say u love me..den i just have simple qns to ask u..if u loved me..den wad is my chinese name? do u noe tt?no u don't..if u loved me..den how old am i this yr?do u noe tt?u dont either..if u loved me..u'd noe sch and which yr i'm in..but do u?even tt is questionable..since u apparently couldnt be bothered abt my life..why let this bother u? I.Cant.Stand.It.

i hate u but i hate myself too..hate myself for being too weak to pick a fight..to yell back..to scream back..the furthest i'd go is to slam doors and bangs things ard..and to have cold wars..i have nv really screamed back at u..well..if tt is good upbringing den good for u..u have 'succeeded' as a parent if tt's wad 'parenting' is all abt in ur head.i'm well trained..just liek a pet..i lowered my head when scolded..i dont talk back..i dont go ahead and do it even though i noe it will piss u off..well trained indeed..happy?

one of these days..when i am able to financially support myself..i'd zoom out the door without a backward glance..if u loved me..u wouldnt do this..the more times this happens..the more i wanna run..u alwiz wonder why i go out so often..why do i fly..just qn urself..just look at the times u chide me and restrict my freedom and u'll prob find a trend..tt would be if u gave a damn abt my life..

Miss u like crazy

feel like singing the Mofatt's song now.. 'i miss u like crazy lalalallalalala' i forgot the lyrics...mofatts was an awful long time ago..hahaha..anyways..night are so lonely without my dearest..sigh... days i can still keep occupied..cos usually when he goes army..he cant really talk to me during the day..night is when i will wait for 930..cos it's the start of the "phone call window"...hhaha..they're supposed to be free from 930 to 1030pm ma..i'm alwiz v excited when the phone rings..but now..it seems like my nights seem longer.. so strange right.. i cant help but wonder..am i too sticky?!?! i even dreamt tt i snuck into his field camp to surprise him lo.. *shake head* future psychologists out there...diagnose me!!!

misery enjoys company

i'm sick..sore throat and fever..why am i sick so often these days..used to be a stronger girl! sigh...

i miss my bao bei..miss him like mad..miss him till my little heart feels like it's gonna break into a gazillion pieces..

i feel overwhelmed at work..feel lost...feel like i need to study but i dunno wad to study..the things they cover are so vague..i really cant rmb anything..

i feel miserable..sick and yet i go to work..stding in the freezing cold air-con..feeling my head throb everytime i cough..feeling my throat being so dry yet i cant have a drink..feeling hot all over yet i have to keep standing...i really miss my bao bei..i really just truly wanna talkto him..tell him how bad i feel..let him noe..make him understd..i need him to just sit and really listen..sit and baby me or pamper me or just reassure me..i feel a deep pain in my heart right now.. sighhhh

My Dearest's Gone To Field Camp!

sigh...he's going for field camp this sat till nx fri..meaning he won't be back for this coming weekend..sigh..i'm gonna miss him.. ugh..

start of clinicals tml..if i'm not wrong..according to my fren..it's gonna be hell for the first week den not too bad after which.. oh well..if i'm gonna get hell i hope to God tt at least my dearest will be able to be ard to listen to me complain...

i want a normal relaxing tai-tai life!! erjie...i wanna be a housewife too...i have finally seen how nice it can be...most of my frens are worried abt our future..the bible happns to tell us not to worry abt our future though..cos..if he clothed the lilies of the valley, if he fed the birds up in the sky, how much more would he be willing to give to us right...so we're not supposed to worry..but den..it's hard to not worry!!! esp with the grades slipping..the scary scary supervisors ard..the really tough assessments to do..ughhh!!!no wonder most of us are thinking of changing courses...tsk tsk..if u ever wanna be a physio in singapore..please..THINK TWICE...

parties are making me excited

me and dajie talking abt parties..den i suddenly was set thinking abt my bdae.. wad would i do? den i suddenly had this tot tt i wanna be a queen right.. den i tot of alice in wonderland.. tt i can be the queen of hearts den everyone else can be the deck of my subjects.. but den wad if someone upstages me!!! so tt's out..

but the big qn is... will i have a party?????

firstly..parties are expensive!!! secondly..if i had a party..it'd be v hard to mingle the whole nite.. and thirdly..who'd i invite?

i have to invite... my poly classmates...my jc classmates..my sec sch classmates..my guideys...dajie they all..tt's quite a lot of ppl..and those tt i noe but arent in a category..hmmm... so strange..plus plus plus... pppl are busy.. like it's ard the unio exam time... so who'd come? shucks..

and nx.. to plan a themed party??? hahaha... i cant think of a theme tt's not too exaggerated..not too difficult and yet still exclusive..

well.. i can force ppl to come in pink... but tt's too pri schoolish.. i can have some fairy princess theme but it's so pri sch too...aiyah.. so difficult..but yet so v exciting.. hahah..

how abt me just doing exclusive stuff with every bunch of my frens? like.. gg out to a spa session with one grp of girls.. and gg for a shopping spree with another and stuff like tt.. but it'd be tooo tedious... hahah..everyone'd hafta take a queue number and line up just to go out with me! and i can leave the planning to them! ha! but tt way..i'd find myself with a lot less frens suddenly.. haha..

i cant help being excited!!!!! and my bdae is still EONS away! hahha...

gg bonkers

i'm really gg nuts.. on one hand i want u to slp more..on the other hand i wanna talk to u more.. one hand hand i wanna be a nice girl..on the other hand i'm really just a short tempered grump..on one hand i really wanna call u up now and say i'm sorry and just talk to u as per normal..on the other hand i dont wanna 'give in' though there's nth to 'give in' abt..one one hand i have deadlines to meet..really gg mad..but on the other hand i'm really dying to talk to u, to see u and to meet u..on one hand...well..how many hands do i have anyway.. *pauses to count hands*

rrraaahhhh...roar..i dunno why but i seem to be in a perpetual grumpy state of mind.. i'm biting anyone and everyone tt comes near me.. gg down into depression liao..wallowing in self pity and wad not..

one presentation on monday...halfway done..but mainly cos i dunno wad to say abt it at all..one assignment to hand in on tues..latest wed..if mel can help me hand in.. i'm so dead for dead..it's as untouched as it can be.. and it accounts for like 60% of the module..God help me!

happy u tot of me

so happy u call whenever u can.. so happy u try to rush thru ur stuff just so u can squeeze in sometime to talk to me..happy u msg me! thankful for such a thing as a handphone..happy u seem to be okay with army life.. happy u're safe..happy u're well (although i was hoping u'd fall sick and be able to come home).. happy cos u're still ard for me to talk to.. muuuaackzzz!

lalalalala...vonz bday bash was smashing.. although part of the games were a bit huh..but the audiences were still considered spontaneous.. which is definitely good..haha..and as usual von cried like mad cos she laughed too hard/ was too touched.. funny la she..but i dunno why i'm so tired i keep sleeping thru stuff.. like in the chalet..they were playing games and i just kept sleeping.. haha..

i miss u liao.. again.. cos my leg is swollen and all and the one person whom i noe will pamper me the most is u! heh..poke ur eyes..

some ppl have been saying tt the 2wk confinement ruling is a thing of the past le..but why does my guy still have to go thru it? so confusing..neh..poke them all!!

sooooo utterly upset

u just called..for 10mins.. out of which u were distracted for ard maybe 5mins or more? i said abt as many things to u as i would say to strangers.. simply put..i'm devastated..

i'm so sad

my bao bei has finally enlisted today.. i felt so strange the whole day..when we were in tekong..it still felt alright..cos we were still on the same island.. but now tt i'm home and so v free...i feel v lost..i feel like calling up someone to talk to. but i dunno wad to say.. sigh..i wanna call him to tell him how much i miss him..yet he's in the stupid army..i cant call and chat as and when i want.. i'm so sadddddddddd...

i'm like having a cold turkey treatment now.. having to quit my addiction to u.. sigh.. i wonder if u miss me as much as i miss u.. hope u have fun anyhow...

i cannot take it...arhh... wanna tell him how bad it is but i dun wan him to worry.. i wanna cry and cry but tt's really dumb since he's coming out in 2 wks time..but i'm really so sad..today is strictly no study, no work day.. shall recuperate by gg to von's party..why aint he calling yet?????

come home soonnnnnn..sigh..why why why mz i be so sticky to u? double pout.. it's just a really v strange feeling.. i really dun noe how to describe it.. it's like u're away for awhile but since we got tog..u've nv been anywhere without me..well at least not for 2 wks.. my strategy for these 2 wks? get really busy.. need to replace one day of work for the mc i took today..i'm so lost without u..come home and sayang me this instant marrrrr...!

haha..i think i'm hvaing split personality..i wanna teh him and yet i wanna scold him for being away.. i wanna demand him to come home now..i hope he falls sick so he can come home yet i want him to be healthy and have fun in tekong.. i wanna just throw my usual tantrums and have someone comfort me.. i think i'm basically a spoilt brat in the sense tt i always want ppl to hong me and make me happy even if i start pouting the slightest bit..nehhh

von's party

so excited..so exciting.. vonzie wonzie's 21st bdae party!!!!! i'm on the bling committee and we were thinking of soooo many things to sabo ppl with..heh..wonder if i'll have a party not..but i cant decide who to invite and when to hold it at and where to hold it at..hmm...

anyway von'z party's theme is bling bling.. me supposed to make the poster or banner for it..hmmmmmmmmmmm.......... so terribly excited..but think i need to dig out time and strength to do it well..sigh... so cool... hope it's a big blast....!!! =)

how far can u run?

run away from it all..but just how far can u run? sigh.. i like lala lands..places and time whereby u are just in the blissful state of happiness.. whereby nth and absolutely nth perturbs u.. nth bugs u.. nothing and no one can affect ur euphoria.. but those places are so shortlived.. den u slam back to reality with such a big bang.. ugh..

i hate to quarrel.. i hate to have cold wars.. it makes me feel icky.. i dun like me when i'm cranky.. i dun like ppl when they're cranky cos crankiness is contagious.. and i all the more will be bu shuang when there's nth at all we shld be quarrelling abt yet we still can find sth to quarrel abt.. over the yrs...i've been told tt i nv voice out wad i'm pissed abt.. i just keep it in and ignore..both the issue and the person..but recently i try my best to really voice out wadever bugs me.. i'm not a v vocal person.. i'm petty and cranky most of the time.. i dun like to voice out my displeasure and it gets worse if i have to repeat wad i said a few times.. ugh..dunno if wad the above makes sense a not. but i'm just angry.. i dun understd why we have to do this ALL the time..

i feel so ugh... sigh.. so frus/sad/upset..dunno how dunno wad to do.. wanna call ya but my pride stops me from doing so.. call le also dunno say wad.. sigh... can't std can't std can't std

i think this pic looks like those backgrd thingie of those off focus flowers..hahaha...maybe it's just me 

i like this bud a lot..it looks so pure and sweet..heh 

hahah..the following are pics of my vday flowers..just to act artistic.. 

the tag on my flowers..i can't believe he wrote tt for all the world to see... *shakes head but beams broadly inside* 

my pretty pretty flowers yet again!!! hahah 

acting cute with my new PINK specs!! i love pink!!!! 

it's better to grope ard in the dark

than to switch on the lights and come face to face with a lizard....

speaking from personal experience...heh..

anyway i realised tt everytime i quarrel with him..i blog in my head..i come up with so many titles so many qns and absolutely no punctuation. haha..but yah..i will be thinking.. 'when i get home..i will blog abt it..etc' but it nv happens..cos i calm down almost as soon as i get pissed..den i'll feel bad for throwing a tantrum.heh..

me now thinking abt wad to do with my finances..hahah..it's quite funny..cos i'm pretty confused and just taking in all the things i'm hearing..

neh~~ sleepy..i refuse to go sch...i think of tml and i'm bleaaahhhh~~~

hmm

he tells me i shld overlook the self-percieved probs and just talk to him and be the crappy frens we were before. he makes it sound simple.he acknowledges tt there are probs and tells me he can list them all out and stuff..but he still wants me to talk to him.

me, on my part, have gotten used to not talking to him.not seeing him.not crapping with him. i know crappy days with him were pretty fun. but things change and they cant be unchanged. i cant pretend nth's happened even though i'm supposed to be a pro at tt. it's just too diff this time. cos this time..he was the "enemy". i was on a defensive mode everytime we talked during the turmoil/quarrelling/wadever stage. now i cant help but be on the defensive again when he starts talking to me. how on earth do u pretend nth's happened and to crap again when so much has been changed in our lives? unless he accepts me and him, we won't be able to talk normally ever again. how to crap when we have nth to talk abt anymore. he tells me to tell me abt my day/my frens/those unimportant stuff. but how do i tell him abt my day when my day revolves ard the person i love and whom he doesnt like? how do i tell him abt my frens when he doesnt noe them? he doesnt get it and i have no energy to explain. i dunno why but it's sad tt frenship has become a chore.i wanna talk as per normal but i've forgotten how 'normal' is liao. tt's sad too.

hmm...i think my conclusion is still tt my guy's more impt now..he needs to accept that and accept us.. den we can talk.. but how do i tell him tt when i'm not talking to him? oh well..

i miss my frens

i stupidly went to read colin's blog..in it were pics of my frens..ppl i havent seen in eons..toogees..

i felt so sad when i saw their pics.. ives, kelvin, aug and wad not..i'm so sorry for forcing u to not hang out with them..i'm so sorry.. i miss them so much..but they will nv noe..part of the group..i've alwiz wanted to be a part of some group..try so hard..but for wad..i'm just someone funny..or cute..or one tt makes the most terrible faces..but part of the group group?? i'm just a visitor..sitting in..observing..ha ha. i hate how things worked out..i like being just with u..but i still miss my frens. i'm so sorry..i'm sooooooooo sad.. =(